


I Solemnly Swear I Am Up To No Good: A Marauder Story

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-11
Updated: 2008-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-19 06:30:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12404910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: The girls, the rumors, the OWLs, the mysterious happenings all over Britain, and of course, the pranks.Our favorite band of troublemakers are in for an usual year. Remus has been made a prefect, James falls in love with a prefect, and Sirius and Peter cause more trouble on their own then all the Marauders combined.





	1. Water Over the Bridge

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

I Solemnly Swear I Am Up To No Good: A Marauder Story  
By: IceFountain

Chapter One: Water Over the Bridge

"Shhh!" Hissed James Potter, stifling his own laughter.

It was late, and the Gryffindor Common room was empty save for three mischievous boys, huddled behind the bookcase that stood next to the portrait hole. Sirius Black pressed his back against the North wall, his dark, handsome features lighting up with an amused grin. Next to him, Peter Pettigrew was doubled over, unable to contain his fits of laughter, which caused his blonde hair to shake about madly. 

James hushed his friend once more before popping his head around the bookcase to have another look at the entranceway. Floating above the alcove was a large puddle of ice-cold water.

Hearing muffled conversation coming from the other side of the portrait, Sirius and Peter leaned back against the wall, and James held his hand around the edge of the bookcase, aiming his wand at the water and concealing the rest of himself. He heard the portrait swing open and waited until hearing it click closed again before muttering something under his breath.

A high-pitched squeal erupted from the entrance way.

"Wait," he thought. "That doesn't sound like Remus at all."

James, Peter and Sirius all came out from behind the bookcase, confused. Standing in front of them was a very wet, and very angry, Lily Evans. Behind her, was a very dry Remus Lupin.

Sirius and Peter collapsed onto the floor with laughter. James stood there staring at her, still holding his wand out. Looking down at his arm, he flushed furiously and quickly swung his wand behind his back.

Lily glared at him lividly.

"Er, Evans." He stumbled finally, rumpling his unruly black hair nervously. "That wasn't quite meant for you..." His voice trailed off. Then he pulled his wand out again. "Here let me-"

Sirius howled even louder.

Lily shook her head furiously. "I can do my own bloody drought charm, Potter." She hissed. Taking out her wand to do exactly that, she continued to glare at him. "I ought to go straight to McGonagall!"

James' eyes shot to the floor. He opened his mouth to mutter an apology, but Sirius, who seemed to have recovered beat him too it. "Ah Evans, we're sorry." He said between chuckles. "We thought we'd give old Remus a surprise after his first night on patrol." He grinned patting Remus on the back. "We're right proud of our widdle prefect."

Lily threw her hands into the air. "I'm going to bed!" she huffed, crossing the common room.

"Sorry again Evans!" Peter squeaked at her.

She waved her hand as a response and she ascended the steps to the girl's dormitories. 

Remus folded his arms and shook his head. "Have you three gone completely mad?"

Sirius grinned widely.

"I thought you had rounds with Marlene McKinnon?" James asked, finally taking his eyes off the marble floor.

"I was supposed to," Remus explained. "But the Hufflepuffs have their Transfiguration test tomorrow, so Lily offered to switch with her." 

Peter glanced over at the empty staircase. "I guess that ruins your plans to ask her out then, eh mate?" He asked, looking at James.

"Yes, and I've been singing your praises all night, Prongs!" Remus exclaimed.

James sighed. "She's with Diggory anyway, a lot of good it would do." The he added, "That and the fact that she despises me as it is."

Remus shook his head. "I don't think so, mate. She thinks you're a bit childish but I don't think she despises you."

James collapsed on the couch. "Just 'Kadavra me right now. I'm done." He groaned.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh shut up. Listen to yourself, on about a bird like she was ... like she was Quidditch or something! Honestly, she's just a bird." 

Remus gave him a look.

Sirius cleared his throat. "A bird who'll have dumped that prat Diggory by the end of the week."

"You said that last week, Padfoot." James mumbled, his voice muffled behind a pillow, which he seemed to have been trying to smother himself with.

"Come on," Sirius prodded. "We'll plan some elaborate prank for tomorrow. Maybe we could wash Snivellus' hair, that ought to shock the whole school." 

This seemed to cheer James up sufficiently, because he stopped smothering himself and sat up, with a large grin on his face. 

Remus sighed. "Let's get on to bed then. Wouldn't want to be late for History of Magic tomorrow morning."

"Heavens no!" Sirius cried in a scandalized voice, as the four boys headed up the stairs to their dormitories. 


	2. Of Story Telling

Chapter Two: Of Story Telling

“Two rolls of parchment on the Giant Wars?” Emmeline Vance groaned. “What is there to say about the Giant Wars? ‘One day a mad beast off in the mountains somewhere decided that he wanted the biggest cave in the valley. Naturally, this brought about a huge war in which two clans of giants threw clubs and boulders at each other until they were all dead.’ ”

The five fifth year Gryffindor girls were all gathered in their dormitory Monday evening. Lily, who had been slaving over that very essay for a solid hour, finally come up for air. She nodded in agreement. “There weren’t even any sensible battles, just a lot of blood and chaos.”

“Oh listen to you!” Melina Ryan scoffed, snatching up the parchment on Lily’s bed. “You’ve already written a roll and a half!”

Lily chose to ignore her. “That’s not even the worst of it,” she insisted. “Have you looked at McGonagall’s notes lately? That test on Wednesday is going to be brutal.”

“I wish McGonagall would show us some food transfigurations already.” Greta Catchlove sighed dreamily. “I’d hex someone for a piece of cheesecake right now.”

Emmeline snorted. “You and your cheese.” The girls often pondered how someone so taken with food managed to maintain such a petite figure.

“Are you going off with Diggory again tonight?” Lydia Cartright asked Lily, twirling her corkscrew curls around her deeply tanned index finger. “You’ve been out with him every night this week!”

“Ooh-er!” the other girls chimed.

Lily rolled her eyes. “I was patrolling with Remus last night.”

“Are things getting serious?” Greta asked

“Between Remus and I? Oh yes! Why, he was this close to proposing last night.” Lily joked. “Honestly, I don’t know what you all are getting so excited about. It’s only been a few weeks.”

“Have you had a proper snog yet?” Melina giggled.

Lily grinned, a pink tinge appearing in her cheeks. “Well, as a matter of fact–”

“Ooh-er!”

“You know Lily, this is very bad for house spirit.” Lydia pointed out. “You shagging Hufflepuff’s Quidditch Captain.”

“I am not!” Lily squealed, hurling her pillow into Lydia’s face. She glanced at her wristwatch and got to her feet. “We've only snogged a couple of times. I’d best be off though, I told Amos I’d watch his Quidditch practice tonight, and then we’ll go for a trot around the grounds.”

“Use a condom!” Lydia called.

Lily slammed the door in reply.

\-----

Needing just a few extra laps around the pitch, James was the last to head to the showers after Quidditch practice. 

“You were golden out there tonight Potter!” Nathan Godfrey, the Gryffindor captain announced when James finally came into the locker room. “You’ve got a real shot at Captain next year.” He added in a whisper, before wishing the team goodnight and heading back up to the castle.

By the time James had finished his shower, the rest of the team had gone back as well, and were replaced by the Hufflepuff team. James nodded to them and went to his locker to get his robes.

“So have you bagged Evans yet?” Geoff Corner, a beater, asked Diggory eagerly.

“A bet she’s a feisty one.” The keeper, Ashton Blake added.

Corner laughed. “Why’s that, Ash?”

“Red hair.” Blake replied simply.

James frowned deeply, gripping his wand.

Diggory was grinning like an idiot. “Well, I don’t know if I should be telling you blokes this, but let me just say, the carpets match the drapes.”

The Hufflepuffs howled their approval, clamoring to give Diggory high-fives and slaps on the back.

“Is she any good?” Elliot Baxter pried.

“Lily’s dynamite in bed.” Diggory informed them. “When she’s on top, she leans back and does this move with her hips. It blows my mi-”

“FURNUNCULUS!” James shouted, his wand pointed at the back of Diggory’s neck.

Diggory’s hand went to his neck. Ugly purple boils were swelling from his skin. He whirled around. “What the hell, Potter!”

“Don’t dare talk about Evans like that.” James hissed at him.

“Hey Dig, I think Potty here has a thing for your girl.” Baxter snorted.

“He’ll have a thing for my fist in a minute!” Diggory lunged at him.

James dropped his wand and cracked him in the jaw.

\-----

On her way to the pitch, Lily crossed paths with a very disheveled James Potter, who was storming out of the locker room. He had a dark bruise under his eye and blood from a small slash on his forehead was matted in his hair.

Lily gasped, running up to him. “Potter what happened?!”

  
James stared at her for a moment, sadly looking her up and down. “Why don’t you ask your boy, Diggory?” he replied finally, pushing past her. 

Lily frowned, walking around the building that held the locker rooms to the front door. Inside, she heard the Hufflepuff team laughing and shouting wildly. She walked a little further down the hall that lead to the boy’s locker room. 

“Potter’s lost it.” She heard someone mutter. “What did he think would happen when he attacked you, we’d conjure up some popcorn and have a watch?”

“I don’t know.” Diggory replied. “He’s an idiot.”

“So go on, tell us about this move Evans does.” Someone else insisted.

Lily raised an eyebrow. What was he on about?

Diggory laughed. “When she’s on top she leans back and grinds her hips into me. It’s amazing,” he drawled.

Lily’s jaw dropped.

“Man, I never expected Evans would be so easy!” she heard another of the boys exclaim. “Like, it’s only been a few weeks.”

Diggory chuckled. “Oh you know women, they come off all chaste and noble, but if you know how to work them, they’re all right little sluts.”

Lily’s eyes filled with emerald fury. She would murder him. No, first she would castrate him. Then murder.

“Well last week, I took her in here, and we tried doggy-style. And a few days ago we were in a broom closet, and I lifted her up against the wall-”

“Oh good you’ve told them!”

Diggory turned around. His face fell. “Lily… I…” To his surprise, she looked relieved.

“So what do you boys think?” She asked the team. They stared blankly at her. “As you can see,” she continued. “We have tried everything! Every position known to man! And no matter what we do, Amos just can’t seem to keep it up! I told him he should asked you fellows about it.” She turned to Diggory. “Were they able to help at all?”

Diggory was very pale. He made some vague movements with his mouth, but no sound came out.

Lily turned back to the team. “We are all out of ideas.” She sighed. “It always seems very promising at first, but little Amos just can’t keep the wind in his sails. Do you boys have any suggestions for us? This is getting quite frustrating.”

“Little Amos, eh?” Percy Shacklebot snorted.

“Well,” Lily replied, frowning slightly. “I don’t really see a whole lot of ‘Big Amos’, if you know what I mean.” She looked back and Diggory again. “Anyway, I actually just came down to tell you that I won’t be able to make our date tonight. I have a History of Magic paper that is simply menacing! So, I’ll see you later, but you let me know if they come up with anything? Goodnight boys!” She chirped before skipping back outside again.

Behind her, the locker room exploded into laughter. She smiled smugly to herself, before running to catch up with James.

“Hey Potter wait up!” She called.

He turned around, startled. “Evans?”

“I thought I’d come and help you back to the Hospital Wing,” she offered. “You’re in no state to get there on your own.”

James opened his mouth to protest, but though better of it, and nodded instead. “Thanks,” he muttered awkwardly.

They walked in silence for a few minutes. “So Diggory’s quite a storyteller, huh?” She piped finally.

James just stared at her, his eyes seeming to ask, ‘is he?’.

Lily nodded. “Unfortunately for him, I’m a better one.” She grinned. Then her face turned serious, though still smiling. “Thank you, by the way.” She motioned towards his bleeding forehead.

James mustered a smile. “Any time, Evans.”


End file.
